What's in a Name?: An Open Letter to Moms

Dear Moms,
For a while now I have been wanting to write you something important that's been on my heart. Over the last number of years so many of you that I have grown up under (my friends mom's) or that I have met in various ministries like Bible Study Fellowship or Bright Lights have done something very flattering, and...peculiar...

You have asked me to call you by your first name.

Honestly, the most immediate reaction that is have to this request is "Oh no! Not again!" You see, this request, while I'm sure is meant genuinely and warmly, makes me highly uncomfortable. I have tried in many ways to explain myself and to not offend as I make my refusal but I don't know that I do a really good job of it and usually I'm left feeling rotten because I'm pretty sure I have confused- and offended you.

That's why I'm writing this letter.

I really want to explain myself and to share my reasons behind my refusal.

When I was a little girl my parents were very strict about their kids being respectful of their elders. Showing proper respect was important to them as it was an important element to cultivating and showing esteem for the person and the life that they had accomplished. Whether the person was married or not proper names and titles were always enforced- and woe be to the child who was disrespectful by using a non-sanctioned name! Now, before you go thinking my parents were a bit to harsh I want to share that there is always exceptions to the rules. For example, much of my younger growing up years was spent in a Southern Baptist church where (though there wasn't a lick of The South in 90% of the congregation) the preferred form of address was 'Miss insert-married-lady's-first-name-here'. It may not have been ideal to my parents but it was ok, and it worked. After all, the point of using formal address was upheld.
   
When I was a little older my family were annual attenders at Bible/homeschool conferences where  youth programs ran parallel to the adults. In those programs there were always friendly, young, small group leaders who again used the titles Mr. and Miss to distinguish themselves from the mass of grade school aged kids that they were serving. I loved using those titles- it felt so fancy, and old fashioned, and fun to be able to address someone like that, to show them honor and respect, and to be able to look up to them by using that title! It was sheer delight to me a few years down the road when I was one of those leaders getting called 'Miss Hannah' and having those kids look up to me! It communicated to me with every utterance that I wasn't just anyone but someone who was accountable to God for being a good example.

Just a few years ago as my grandparents were in declining health a new neighbor came into their lives. This middle aged woman thought nothing of addressing my nearly 90 year old grandparents in familiar terms and called my Gram by her first name. What's worse is that she called Gramps (Clifford) Cliffy.... Never in my 25+ years had I ever heard anyone call him that. It shocked my siblings and I, and to say the least, rubbed us the wrong way. Why? Well, in short, because of how incredibly disrespectful it was. If you knew my grandparents you would know of what value their lives were- and were to us.

Shakespeare famously asked if "a rose by any other name would still be as sweet". Scholars I'm sure have spent considerable amounts of time debating that small line and recognizing it for the great question it is. If a rose was called by another name would it be the same or would it loose something of what made it so unique? For me I think the answer is the former and not the latter. The beauty of the rose (or any other fine flower) is not solely in its character, but in the name we give to distinguish it. Anne Shirley bemoaned that surely a beautiful name like Cordelia could make her a better loved more beautiful person but we all know that 'just plain' Anne was a true treasure because her name fit her all on it's own with out her trying to be someone she was not.

So Mom's here is the point. I'm not doing it to be difficult, I'm doing it to be genuine.

When I look at you I see how wonderful you are, the beauty of your years, how much I look up to you, and how much I value you- and I want you to know that.
My best way of communicating that is to recognize you for everything you have become. I don't use Mrs. to remind you of your age, your laugh lines, or your mother-in-law. I do it because you have taken the name of the man who loves you and I am in awe of your representation of Godly marriage before me. (And if I'm being perfectly honest I envy you just a little bit for that.) I do it to show respect to my friends too because nothing is worse then hearing one of your peers informally address your mother without permission and feeling the sting of disbelief at how casually they value and respect the person who means the world to you. I do it for my grandparents because I take note that the age difference between them and 'that woman' is alike to age difference between you and I and I want to honor you.

So Mom's, the next time you consider asking me to call you by your first name would you stop a moment and reconsider? Would you take into account that I look at the world a little old fashionedly? That I mean no offence?
Would you allow me to honor you and our friendship by calling you Missus?

Thanks. It truly means the world to me.

With love,
Hannah